Phobia: A fear, horror, strong dislike, or aversion; esp. an extreme or irrational fear or dread aroused by a particular object or circumstance.
Spinal tap: Also known as a lumbar puncture or “LP”, a spinal tap is a procedure whereby spinal fluid is removed from the spinal canal for the purpose of diagnostic testing.
1.
Ever since I was 6 years old, (which is as far back as I can remember) I have been deathly afraid of needles. I never knew the reason for my phobia until years later. Once my fear was affirmed as a rational fear, (which my soon to be told anecdote should confirm) I felt a little more at ease with the tension that would rise into my veins every time I was in the presence of a needle that I knew was inevitably going to puncture my flesh and enter into my body.
2.
I was 6 years old. This being my first summer after my first year of institutionalized “life” training, I remember the feeling of being free, of not caring about anything at all, and most importantly, wanting to be like just like my grandpa. It was a perfect day to follow my grandfather around the house and do everything he did, and apparently my older cousin had the same idea.
3.
It was afternoon, Lol had just made us some rice and soup in the classic Lolo manner; with another bowl ready made for when we would want seconds. We finish up our food and he calls us to him into the backyard to join him for some yard work. And there right before our eyes appears the shiny thing that grabs the attention of young darty eyes, a hammer.
Let me use the hammer!” I screamed.
“I grabbed it first Japes!
“No you didnt, I did!”
On and on it goes as we both hold the hammer in tension between our two tiny child-like grips like ignorant kids waiting for a hammer to come crashing down directly into a tiny skull. Fortunately it couldn’t possibly happen to the both of us. Unfortunately it definitely happened to one of us.
4.
Fade to black…..
5.
The next moment in brown hazy shades I can remember waking up on my brothers bed, throwing up the rice and soup I had for lunch, and puzzle pieces not intact. I had no recollection of what had happened, or why my head had hurt and all I knew is that I wanted to be cool just like my grandpa.
6.
“What is your favorite cartoon?” The stranger in weird white clothes asks.
“G.I. Joe! The REAL American Hero.” I reply.
I think he was trying to avert my attention from the unfamiliar contraption that I was slowly being strapped into taking me into that I had absolutely no point of reference for. Perhaps he believed that cartoons would somehow throw me off the scent. But I was in complete shock. I had to fight with everything that I had, the feeling of wanting to pee right there on the stretcher. I mustered up all my G.I Joe strength just to keep my pants dry and my courage high.
“And knowing is half the battle.” I kept whispering to myself. “Knowing is half the battle.” And I had no idea where or what I was going into, or what was going to happen to me when I got out. I wasn’t told that ignorance was the other half of the battle. So inevitably I would lose.
7.
This is the moment where you wish that somehow you could block it all out of your mind. Subconsciously, you have accomplished your goal, yet somewhere in the deep crevices of your being, this memory lurks in the shadows, laughing at you every time you wet your pants in the presence of a needle.
8.
I don’t remember what happened next, but I know for sure, that this is why I hate needles. My father can testify, he was in the room next door, helpless to my screams and cries. My tears run down my face as I secretly hope that they would trickle down and make a river to the next room just to alert my father of my pain, and maybe he could scoop it up and drink it. If my screams weren’t loud enough, my tears would testify forever.
Forget what the movies tell you. My dad told me otherwise.
This is spinal tap.
9.
…..
